A conflictleader is someone who, with or without a formal leadership role, can manage tension, leverage differences, and provide direction when friction arises (MEDIV). According to Peter T. Coleman (Columbia University), conflict intelligence (CIQ) consists of four competencies: self-awareness and self-regulation, social conflict skills, situational adaptability, and systemic wisdom. CIQ is the compass; conflict leadership is the behavior.

A conflict leader does not have to be a manager.

At first glance, the word can be misleading.

When we hear the word “leader,” we tend to think of a manager or someone with formal decision-making authority. MEDIV uses the term more broadly. According to their vision, anyone can take on conflict leadership. It’s about the ability to speak boldly, listen openly, and become more skilled at dealing with differences.

That changes the question quite a bit.

Niet langer:  Who should resolve this conflict?

But: What role do I take on when things get tense?

That's a much more uncomfortable question.

Because it's easy to blame the other person for the conflict. That coworker doesn't communicate well. That team isn't cooperating. My manager isn't listening. HR needs to step in.

Sometimes that might be true. But conflict leadership starts somewhere else: by examining your own position in what’s happening.

CIQ gives you the compass. Conflict leadership requires that you set out on your journey with it.

That is where MEDIV's philosophy aligns remarkably closely with Coleman's concept of conflict intelligence.

Coleman describes self-awareness and self-regulation as the most fundamental CIQ competency. Those who act with conflict intelligence must recognize and regulate their own reactions in order to remain calm and strategic under pressure. This is followed by social conflict skills such as active listening and seeking cooperation, the ability to adapt one’s approach to the type of conflict, and, finally, the ability to look at the larger system behind a conflict.

You could sum it up this way:

Conflict intelligence is about what you need to be able to do. Conflict leadership is about what you do with those skills when it really matters.

And that's often exactly where the problem lies.

Avoiding conflict sometimes feels like good leadership.

We love harmony.

A meeting where no one objects feels comfortable. A team without open discussions appears stable. A decision to which no one objects seems to have broad support.

But silence is not proof of agreement.

MEDIV takes a different approach to conflict: where people work and live together, differences arise. From this perspective, conflict is not necessarily a negative thing. In fact, it can serve as a catalyst for progress.

That makes conflict leadership sometimes surprisingly easy to describe, but quite difficult to put into practice:

Don't be too quick to dismiss the difference.
Do not soothe immediately.
Don't decide right away who is right.
Don't reduce every uncomfortable conversation to a problem that needs to be solved.

First, understand what's really going on.

First, perspectives. Then, solutions.

One of the interesting principles is not to jump immediately to conclusions or solutions.

Conflict leadership does not mean becoming the person who comes up with a solution for every conflict. MEDIV explicitly defines the conflict leader not as a manager who simply “resolves” conflicts, but as someone who can handle tension, capitalize on differences, and provide direction when things get rough.

That calls for a different kind of leadership.

Sometimes you have to set boundaries.
Slow down sometimes.
Sometimes ask follow-up questions.
Sometimes you have to put into words what everyone is feeling but no one is saying.
And sometimes, the best thing to do is just to be quiet and listen.

Coleman refers to this skill as situational adaptability: different conflicts call for different strategies. In addition, conflict intelligence requires systemic wisdom: looking not only at the clash that is visible today, but also at the patterns, structures, and forces that contribute to the conflict.

So a conflict leader doesn't just ask:  “What happened here?”

but also: “What makes it possible for this to happen here again and again?”

Van individuele vaardigheid naar organisatiecultuur.

This brings us to a level that is often overlooked.

You can teach managers how to listen. You can practice conversation techniques. You can teach people how to mediate.

Coleman therefore goes beyond individual conflict management. He argues that organizations must develop conflict management skills at various levels and create safe, facilitated spaces for difficult conversations. In his research, a higher CIQ of leaders as perceived by employees was associated with greater psychological safety; moreover, in organizations where leaders were rated higher on CIQ, the culture was perceived as more collaborative and less conflict-avoiding.

Conflict leadership is therefore not merely a matter of personal behavior.

It could also become a cultural choice.

Do we want an organization where people are mainly kind to one another, or an organization where people feel safe enough to disagree?

That's not the same thing.

Conflictleadership.

Conflictleadership is something you can learn.

The good news is that MEDIV does not present conflict leadership as an innate talent possessed by a small group of charismatic leaders. The underlying skills can be developed and practiced.

For those who want to get started with this in a practical way, the current course offerings from MEDIV (Training Programs in Mediation, Deep Democracy, and Nonviolent Communication) directly addresses various aspects of conflict intelligence and conflict leadership.

So, anyone who wants not only to understand conflict intelligence but also to actually practice it will find various ways to approach it.

Perhaps we don't need less conflict.

That sounds strange.

We tend to associate a well-run organization with few conflicts.

Maybe we need to adjust that perception.

The more interesting question is not how many conflicts there are, but what people can do about them when they arise.

Can employees speak up when necessary?
Can a manager listen to something he or she would rather not hear?
Can a minority vote really influence a decision?
Can people tolerate stress without immediately resorting to attack, defense, or avoidance?
And can we look beyond the conflict to the system that keeps producing it over and over again?

That's where CIQ and conflict leadership come together.

Conflict intelligence helps us understand what conflict requires. Conflict leadership requires the courage to act on that understanding.

Not when everything is calm.

Especially when things get rough.

Ready to tackle conflict in your organization? 

Have you noticed that differences within your team are becoming entrenched more quickly, that difficult conversations are being put off, or that the same conflicts keep recurring? At HIDT, mediation and coaching can help bring these patterns to light and create space for dialogue once again. Please contact us via the contact form on the website).

Would you like to further develop your skills in conflict management, mediation, or Deep Democracy? Then be sure to check out the current MEDIV's training offerings. 

“Conflict leadership is the ability to speak boldly, listen openly, and skillfully handle differences, regardless of your position.”

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